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| 03:33pm 18/03/2006 |
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Well here's one for anyone who actually reads mine. Yeah, nobody anymore...
I've opened a new blog here. |
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| 08:37am 23/07/2002 |
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mood:  aggravated music: Soundgarden - Black Hole Sun
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I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.
I work very hard every day. Millions on welfare depend on me
Ever since I started working ,every day has been worse than the one before. That means each time you see me, that's on the worst day of my life.
Just found out there's a high probability of me getting fired on Wednesday from work. Don't know whether to feel happy about this or depressed. I just find it humorous that I'm getting fired for what? Not helping customers? Nope, helped every customer in C-Max who ever came by while I was working. With a smile at times too! For not completing work on time? Nope, not that either. Apparently I'm guilty of doing bad naughty things on our 'puter at work that make me a bad lil boyo and get me fired from the big bad Mr. Ed. Ah well. If he fires me I'm going to laugh my ass off, click my heels, and walk out the door with a huge ass grin on my face.
What I find hilarious is my good friend Jason (Jeddhor) surfs the net at work more then I ever do or ever did. I admit to checking me e-mail a time or two when I had something important I was waiting on...
As I stated to my friend over AIM jokingly:
Yes ma'am, I'm a gung-ho surfer boyo
On our blazing fast 56k dial up, lookin up da mad pr0n.
Ah well, so probably ends my grand career with Office Max...*laughs* |
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| 09:32pm 21/07/2002 |
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mood:  tired music: New Order - True Faith
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I can't recommend sex, drugs, and rock & roll for everyone but its always worked for me!
The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
-Robert Frost
This weekend has been odd... Went up to Hampton with Leah on friday night, got there around midnight(couldn't find the damned hotel) and fucked for many many hours. We fell asleep together and it was good...not great, but good...she's a blanket hog and she loves to have the room about 3 degrees above freezing and then wrap herself up in blankets... Very cold I was that night...
Saturday we got up and took a shower together and went to breakfast at IHOP then went to VA beach and laid out for a bit. She got lobsterfied and I got a little pink. Then after that we went back to the hotel, played cards for a bit and then tried to go out to dinner...dumbass me has no sense of direction. I couldn't even find my way to the outback steakhouse in newport news that was like 25 minutse from where we were! Argh!
By the time we got there it was closed as was everyplace else to eat. Damn I felt VERY bad for that...so we drove back to the hotel and talked for a bit, had sex again and fell asleep. Woke up this morning went to eat breakfast at Waffle House then headed on home. So here I've been and I'm exchausted and I don't know why...
On another note, I talked to Sandy's sister Tammy who works at Western Steer in town and found out Sandy is coming in for a visit on tuesday. So I'm going to get to see her again! YAY!!!! ^_^
I think I'm going to go to bed now though, I'm very tired and right now I barely have enough energy to type this. See you tommorow Jason and talk to you later Laura. PS thanks for the book! |
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| 11:58pm 11/07/2002 |
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mood:  depressed music: Cradle of filth - Malice through the looking gls
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Weak midnight promises of love
Were wept upon Her grave
And shunned by stars above
In mortal life lurks my dismay
An Angel stole my heart
and Death took Her away
She sleeps beyond the grace of god
A dreaming beauty
If wishes could only fray that bond
The dead would sing for me..
-Cradle of Filth "Nocturnal Supremacy"
After talking to Rachel's mother for a bit the other night I found out the meaning of my dream. Rachel's mother and brother are moving to Arizona. She's not. She's moving in with some 20+ year old(note she's not even 18 yet) and her mother doesn't know an address...so my thoughts of not seeing her for another three years have turned into not seeing her ever again.
And I can't help but wonder if it's for the best. It was nothing but misery, pain, anguish and emotional torture for me. But a love that strong isn't broken easily. I don't want anything to do with her yet I try to track her down to keep in touch. The world is full of disappointments. I am my own worst disappointment.
Maybe things will look brighter in the morning. Just maybe. I doubt it, but there's always hope. *smirks* Then I remember the words of a character so like me it's scary.
"Hope is the denial of reality. It is the carrot dangled before the draft horse to keep him plodding along in a vain attempt to reach it."
Then I think of City of Angels:
"I would rather have one breath of her hair, one kiss of her mouth, one touch of her hand than an eternity without it."
I live to vicariously through quotes. Maybe I'll be original one day and make my own... |
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| 11:28am 05/07/2002 |
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mood:  weird music: Stabbing Westward - Haunting Me
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"Eyes I dare not meet in dreams
In death's dream kingdom
These do not appear:
There, the eyes are
Sunlight on a broken column
There, is a tree swinging
And voices are
In the wind's singing
More distant and more solemn
Than a fading star."
- Eliot, "The Hollow Men"
Sorry for not having posted in a while. Just haven't figured out WHAT to post. Ugh, I have a million and one thoughts rushing about my mind and I can't grasp one to write about. Truly the hell that is my life.
I had an odd dream last night. A...very...odd dream... Dreamt of Rachel and for some odd reason I brought Jason (Jeddhor) to meet her. I got to her house right as she was leaving for somewhere and I got the sense it was a permanent thing. There was too much of an air of finality to it..
"Mom, you ready yet?" came the yelled question through a closed door. I stand before it, hearing her voice, wondering again what I'm doing here. I hear Jason walk up behind me, standing a bit off to the side. I walk up the steps to knock on the door about the time the door opens and Rachel comes out and looks at me. No surprise, no look of happiness or sadness, or shock. Like I was expected, like it was a natural thing that I would be there. An air of indifference.
"Oh good, you're here." She hugged me and that was it...hugged me and told me goodbye and walked past me. I turned around and she was gone. Everything else was there, but she was gone like she never had existed at all.
I don't know what to make of this dream I truly don't. Whether it's a sign of an impending loss or that it's truly time for me to fully get over her...or if it's just something stupid that my mind has decided to torture me with.
Knowing my luck and my somewhat...unique...relationship with her, my money is unfortunately on number one. Either she's getting ready to go off and do something truly stupid that I won't get to see her again for another 3 years or more; or a more final solution. She never was the most stable person or the happiest and contemplated suicide a lot. She never cried out for help. I'm worried now that she might have just reached her breaking point. And me with no idea where she is. I found out last night she had taken a job with some traveling group doing something or other, don't know exactly what and she won't be back till august or early Sept.
So I have no clue where she is and whats more, no way to contact her. *Sighs* She never was good for my health...my stress is now through the roof and my heart rate following a close second. I'm going to go take some heavy duty tranqs and get ready for work now. |
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| Hope and the absence thereof |
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| 11:25pm 27/06/2002 |
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mood: aggravated music: Metallica - No Leaf Clover
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"Do you see no Hope?"
"Hope is the denial of reality. It is the carrot dangled before the draft horse to keep him plodding along in a vain attempt to reach it."
Well tonight has been a night of many diverse and perverse machoistic pleasures. Amy the managing bitch from hell decided to have her period around closing time today and vent herself on me. Nothing I did was right, no matter how many times I did it, no matter how many times I changed it, it was wrong, always wrong. I swear to god I'm ready to quit. Nothing is worth all this stress and bullshit. NOTHING!
And my one saving grace, that I might get to see Kelly on Saturday and spend some time with her, and who knows, maybe ask her to go out with me in a more serious manner; Well, as you can probably figure out. She doesn't even want to talk to me. Somehow I don't think she likes me at all anymore, if she ever did. Gods I'm ready to kill someone.
Anyhow, enough of my senseless pathetic and incoherent bitching. I quit. If anyone needs me I'll be skewered onto my katana having committed seppuku. Sayonara Minna-san...
*long sigh, look of sadness* Gomen Nasaii.... |
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| Feelings... |
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| 02:32am 21/06/2002 |
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mood:  contemplative music: Staind - Outside
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Lonely is a man without love.
Where there is love, there is pain."
Wow, an interesting day. I met perhaps one of the coolest girls I ever have in a long time. Unfortunately I know already I have no chance. Even if I did it wouldn't work out I don't think. But then again I'm a pessimist and cynical so who can say if my thoughts are merely just distorted by these.
Thanks to my friend Jason the day was saved from manic boredom into something worthwhile. I got to share company with a lovely lady and a good friend. What could be better? Well maybe sex but I'm not that stupid to think I could get that.
Anyhow, not much else to write. I have work tomorrow. Gods work sucks. But then again all work sucks and if you liked it it wouldn't be work now would it? But I get paid tomorrow! YAY! Pay is always good! But I have to work tomorrow so it's less good...and Saturday...which is horrid! I HATE working on Saturdays...and I hate closing worse then working on Saturdays. Oh well, my parents are going out of town so at least it will be quiet. Who knows maybe I can convince some females to spend some time at my house. Yeah, right, and I've got a bridge in Brooklyn too... |
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| Hatred, Loathing, Insanity |
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| 11:27pm 16/06/2002 |
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mood: frustrated music: Soul Asylum - Runaway Train
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Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.
It never ceases to amaze me. Truly it doesn't. You ask a person to do one thing. Show up some where...they agree...and what do they do? They forget to show up, they oversleep, they don't even bother coming up with a half-assed lame excuse.
I had a half-life match this morning, and 3 people didn't show up...still better then yesterday when we had to fucking forfeit because I was the only one who showed up. I quit the clan, I told them that if they couldn't be bothered to show up for something I couldn't be bothered to hold the clan together and they could go fuck themselves. I'm tired of people's stupidity. I'm tired of life period.
Nothing has gone right these two days. Nothing, absofuckinglutely nothing. I'm just going to leave everything and become a monk or something. Or a librarian, at least then I can read what I want without getting bitched at. Fuck life |
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| Welcome to Hell... |
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| 07:04pm 12/06/2002 |
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To reign is worth ambition, though in Hell. Better to reign in hell, then serve in heaven.
- Milton "Paradise Lost"
Aka Office Max. Mein Gott! I know the quote didn't make much sense to the related topic but I'm tired and my mind is kicking me very hard for my ineptitude and stupidity in deciding to work at Office max. I know I deserve it.
*sighs* That place is an existential hell. All my superiors it seems enjoy reaming me. And every tiny mistake I make it expanded, expounded and magnified and then bitch slapped across my face multiple times. As if I don't have enough to deal with.
I swear to the gods I am going to lose it very soon. And when I do there will be very few unscathed people in that store...I could make the list of those who will not suffer my wrath:
Adam
Jason
Tina
Amanda
Shaquita
Natasha
Philip
Martin
Terry
Joe Ann
Donnie
Howard
Ann
... come to think of it that's most of the employees isn't it? I guess it's just really four people I truly despise and loath. Joe, Curtis, Amy, and Ed.
I really loath them all. They are deplorable people who are not worthy of the good grace of living. All 4 of them should be stripped of their lives and cast into the fiery pits for their mere existence and inane attitudes.
Amy, the uptight feminist religious man hating bitch
Ed, (way to long to type)
Curtis, the words religious zealot come to mind...an ass who only cares about two things. God and his sales...though I think their priority is reversed...
Joe, just a general ass mongling common cock sucking whore bag.
Ah...the hell that is my life... |
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| A dream |
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| 07:12am 10/06/2002 |
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mood: worried
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Everything that we see and seem,
is but a dream within a dream.
Only one quote this morning, sorry, don't have time to remember any more.
I had a sad dream last night. Laying there in my bed I dreamt that Sandy came in and lay down beside me, just curled up next to me in my bed and went to sleep. That's it. No sex, no anything...we just slept there...and it was a truly great feeling. What made it sad was realizing it was a dream...and waking up...still half believing it wasn't...looking over to find she wasn't there, hadn't been there, that it was all my mind's doing.
Even my dreams torment me now. I honestly believe I am going quite insane. Not in the traditional psycho homicidal maniac type of insane, but the insane where I'm starting to see things and believe them, do things and never remember doing them, hearing things that aren't there. I honestly believe I am beginning to lose my mind.
But right now I need coffee before I head to work. *sighs* Gods I hate people... |
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| Hope? |
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| 11:22pm 09/06/2002 |
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mood: disappointed music: Blink182 - Adam's song
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"Do you see no hope?"
"Hope is the denial of reality. It is the carrot dangled before the draft horse to keep him plodding along in a vain attempt to reach it."
How dreadful the truth can be when there is no hope in the truth.
-Sophocles
Abbandoni tutta la speranza, ye che fornisce qui.
"Abandon all hope, ye who enter here."
-Dante's Inferno from The Divine Comedy
Surely Dante must not be referring to Abaddon, the gates of hell but to the gates of friendship. Sandy didn't show up.It's now a quarter past 11 and she has not come, not called. What did I do to deserve such? But by the same token I ask myself what did I do to deserve her friendship in the first place. And once again I wonder if I'm just a selfish bastard for wanting more, or just being truthful.
She's leaving at 5 tomorrow morning and she's not stopping by. I got to see her for 3 hours out of the 4 days she was here...I was suppose to spend all day Friday with her...that never happened. Saturday was her sister's graduation. I didn't see her at all today and won't tomorrow before she leaves.
Oh well, life is just full of disappointments I guess. A damned lot of them to be sure, but full of them none the less and I seem to get at least my fair share and somebody else's in the same bargain.
Sandy, I love you.
*goes off to bed now to attempt to sleep knowing the futility of this already.* gods work is going to kick my ass tomorrow. |
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| 09:50pm 09/06/2002 |
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mood:  hopeful music: Vertical Horizon - Everything You Want
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Sandy called...they're leaving early tomorrow morning. She's suppose to be coming over...
She was suppose to be here about 20 minutes ago. But I'm optimistic right now, I'll wait....I'll wait...I won't go to sleep till she gets here...she'll come...gods I hope she does... |
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| 08:26am 09/06/2002 |
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mood: depressed music: Beetles - Mrs. Robinson
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Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her.
Forget for the moment the smog, and the cars and the restaurant and the skating and remember only this...A kiss may not be the truth, but its what we wish were true.
You don't love a girl because she's pretty, she is pretty because you love her.
I love you, not for what you are, but what I am when I am with you.
My music is a sick irony this morning...Mrs. Robinson. Sandy's last name after she got married became Robinson. Whoever governs the laws of reality and the fate of us all is one sick bastard. Of this, and very little else, I am most sure.
Sandy left this morning I believe, or will be shortly and she hasn't called me or even come by. I guess that's my true answer to my chance. There is none. *le sigh*
Being in love with someone you can't have is like living in a life that's not yours. - George French III This is true on a few levels. Loving Sandy makes me a better person. When I'm around her I'm a better person. But when I'm not I'm different, something, someone I don't like. It's like living a dual life in and of itself, one of happiness, however fleeting, and one of eternal sorrow and misery, full of self loathing for not finding some way to be with her.
I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you in the way that you want, it doesn't mean that they don't love you with all that they have
Is this what I should be content with? Seriously, is it? I know she loves me as a friend, she always has, but I'm selfish in that I don't want to be just friends, I want to be more, much more. Should I just drop it entirely and content myself to being without her?
The truth always hurts when it comes from the one you love most, especially when the truth is "I don't love you." -Sierra Mallett
I have this feeling deep down in my mind that I know is most likely true; I've been condemned to the eternal pits of being Just Friends. Whoever decided to create this paradoxical existence of pain was either very masochistic or sadistic. I haven't been able to figure that one out yet.
But on a plus note I have figured out what just friends does truly mean.
It means; "I don't just want you to mourn the loss; I want to remind
you of it every day. I want you to suffer. I want you to envy. I want
you to die slowly, a bit at a time. And I want you to smile and thank
me for it."
Enjoy, or don't. |
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| Apathy - it's a... something |
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| 12:16am 09/06/2002 |
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mood: apathetic music: Beethovan - Moonlight Sonata
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depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Sorry, did I say something wrong? Pardon me for breathing, which I never do anyway, so I don't know why I bothered to say it -- oh God, I'm so depressed.
-Marvin "HHGTTG"
If wild my breast and sore my pride, I bask in dreams of suicide, If cool my heart and high my head I think "How lucky are the dead."
Suicide is a way of telling God "you can't fire me... I QUIT!"
As I sit here on my computer I wonder what I am doing here. I wonder this a lot. Everyone says I'm intelligent, I'm smart, and then everyone who doesn't say that then refers to me as a blithering idiot. Who am I to believe? People say I have talent, and yet I do nothing with my life. Does that make them wrong, or does that make me the greater loser?
I don't know anymore, I truely don't. Why I should even try to appease people is beyond me as I can't even appease myself most of the time. I live the life of an actor; constantly in a character that is not me.
Don't worry though, not that anyone ever will, this will all pass in a few days to a week. I'll return to the bright shining robust person so full of life that you know...the mask shall return, the paint applied.
Sorry for the general ramblings but hey, it's my journel and it's not good for much else thats for sure. |
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| reminiscing |
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| 03:55pm 08/06/2002 |
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mood: nostalgic music: Wheatus - Teenage Dirt Bag
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"I always knew I'd look back on the times we cried together and laugh, but I never thought I'd look back on the times we laughed together and cry."
Whoever wrote that knows how I feel right now, or I would think they would know how I feel.
My best friend, Sandy, came back down here for her sister's graduation so I got to see her yesterday after 6 months. Life is just full of surprises after 6 months. She brought her boyfriend with her and she's pregnant. Joy. I sometimes wonder why she presents me with all of this at once. Same thing when she got married two years ago. Same thing when she left her husband. I wonder if she enjoys knowing I'm so completely jealous of whoever it is who's with her...
Argh this royally upsets me. I can safely look forward to at least a month's worth of sleeplessness and being plauged with bad dreams of her...*le sigh* Whoever is up there must be getting a good laugh out of my life. I sure hope at least someone is.
I'll write the outcome of this less then cheerful reunion with the girl I use to know so well later... |
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